NCAI - No Clothes Airways, Inc.

Back in the spring of 2002 I penned this satirical response to airline anti-terrorism measures.  Seems that it is even more appropos today.  Originally titled "No Clothes Aire."

In an unprecedented and bold move, N. Newton launched No Clothes Airways, International two months ago.  Rarely, has an airline entered the fiercely competitive international air travel market at startup.  NCAI began service with seven routes between U.S. cities and

destinations in the Caribbean and Central America. I recently had the opportunity to interview the chairman and founder, N. Newton in his corporate office in the former Hedonism I Resort in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Mr. Newton, how did you come up with the idea of a nude airline?

Cost of security, problems with piercings (he stands to reveal another), rising popularity of nudity.

Why international?

Wanted a healthy start so we targeted college students headed to the Caribbean and Central America – the tropics.

You’re being compared to Southwest as a no-frills airline.

Southwest is most successful … so that is a compliment.  However, I disagree on the no-frills.  Take our food for instance.  Our passengers are unconcerned about messy foods.  This allows us to offer a wider variety of meals than our competitors.

Always finger foods, including fried chicken, our extremely popular baby back ribs, and of course various veggie sandwiches and platters.  Watermelon has been very popular as well.  Have you ever eaten a fully ripe peach, letting the rich, sweet juice drip down your chin and on to your body?  I believe we are missing some of the great pleasures of life in our fastidiousness.

Even delivery of our meals is more fun.  Instead of bulky, heavy food carts, a basket-wielding flight server tosses breakfast muffins, bagels, fruit, etc. to customers.

But, doesn’t this take longer to clean your aircraft at the destination?

Our patented automated self-cleaning system thoroughly cleans each aircraft between flights.

And I left out our tanning windows.  Each window in our aircraft is twice the size of the standard 737.  This allows better viewing for all passengers.  Additionally, the acrylic transmits the tanning rays of the sun.  These are very popular with our southbound passengers.  For those who do not wish to tan, each window is equipped with a pull-down filter that blocks both UVA and UVB.

Tell me how check-in works?

In a private booth, each customer strips and self-checks all luggage including carry-on, then steps through a complimentary shower which also de-perfumes the client.  Did you know that perfume is the cause of 35% of airline complaints?

Next, using a vegetable based paint we ink-jet a barcode onto each passenger’s buttocks .  Some have suggested we add vitamins and minerals, maybe with an optional caffeine booster.

After that, show photo ID and e-ticket once to our agent and from that point through baggage claim at your destination, you only need to move through turnstiles outfitted with our buttcode scanners.

At the buttcoding station, automatic software sizes and weighs each passenger for seat assignment.

Our seats are automatically re-configurable both for leg-room and seat width.  Once the pax load has been determined, software creates optimum seating distribution for comfort, weight and balance.

You may not be aware that a weight and balance problem caused the tail section to separate on a 737 crash outside Pittsburgh in 1993.

How can that be?

It seems that the Pack It ‘n’ Gloat Society of Tulsa was flying to the annual P.I.I.G.S convention in Pittsburgh.  An un-observant travel agent grouped the society members together in the last six rows of the aircraft.  Meanwhile another travel agent settled the Jenny Craig graduates in the rows over the wings.  The planes forward/aft CG – Center of Gravity – is normally near the wings.  In this case, you must see the horrible consequences of fate.

You’ve been flying for sixty days now, can you comment on the success?

In one word – outstanding!  Our load-factor is 17% above industry average for this period, our on-time arrival and departure record is the highest, and customer satisfaction is off the scale.

Ah, that sounds a bit too rosy – can you elaborate on the customer satisfaction?

Nudity is the great equalizer.  Wealth and poverty as measured by appearance disappears.

Further, aggression is way down.  We believe this is due to three reasons.

First, when you’re nude, you are more vulnerable – exposed shall we say.

Second, because we assign seats based on comfort through our patented seat adjustment system our passengers are more comfortable.  The lack of discomforting clothes – hot nylons, shoes too tight, neckties, wedgies, etc. further enhances comfort.

Third, our flights are more fun.  At the beginning of a flight, as the plane taxies to the runway, our flight attendants toss out pre-snacks.  As you know, the attendants must be strapped in for take-off, so they literally toss the muffins, fruits, and donuts to the passengers.  This small gesture loosens up the people – they realize that they don’t have to worry about soiling their clothes.

And the failures?

We have had food fights break out on about twenty percent of the flights.  However, complaints are very low.

Because our seating configuration software is new, we have built in a ten percent “butt factor”.  By this, I mean we are under-selling seat-space by ten percent.  As you are aware, the U.S. Surgeon General estimates that in 1999, “61% of adults in the United States were overweight or obese…”  We believe this to be an underestimate.  We are gaining better numbers as we grow.  Also, we store dimensions of our frequent fliers allowing us to gradually decrease the butt factor.

How can you keep fares low?

Fewer support people at check-in, fewer security personnel.  Once your butt is barcoded, the system automatically processes you all the way to luggage pickup at your destination.

Our self-cleaning aircraft save a ton of money.

The timid?

Complementary eye-shields are available in every seat pocket.

Code of conduct with everyone nude?

We tolerate no lewd or inappropriate behavior.  Our flight attendants are clothed and the uniform asserts an air of authority.  Instead of wasting time on seat belt education, we show a brief video explaining our rules of behavior.

But, what about the truly unruly customer?

Each flight attendant carries an unconcealed holstered cattle prod.  As a deterrent, these devices are excellent.  In our two months of operation – with over eighteen hundred flights, we have used the cattle prods only twice.

What about the competition?

Simply, we are the leader.  We have strong patents on our seat management system from the barcoded check-in through the in plane seat reconfiguration mechanics.  We hold patents on our self-cleaning aircraft systems.  We know how to move people safely and securely while having fun.

What’s next?

Expansion in a word.  As I mentioned earlier, our flights are in high demand.  We have twenty more aircraft scheduled for delivery within three months.  Our operations require fewer people – less than one-fourth per flight, but we pay better.  So, we’ve been able to attract quality employees from the other airlines.

The end

Is this the future?  Why not?